I think it was C.S.Lewis - maybe someone else, either way - who basically said that growing as a Christian is a process of learning who you are and who God is. Learning who God is always encourages me, but learning who I am is really upsetting sometimes. Sometimes I find out, or realise things about myself that I almost wish I didn't know. However, I want to learn, to be ruthless with the areas of my life that don't please God and to be dumbfounded when those areas still don't alter His compassion and purpose for me.

The more I love my wife, the more I want to be different for her, to love her better - more intensely, less selfishly, more honestly and truthfully and the same is true of the Lord. The more I love God, the more I learn about His love for me the more I want to change my actions and my motives - the more I want to rid myself of pride and selfishness.

Rather intense intro to really coming around to my epiphany about myself. I realised today that when people ask me what i do, I tell them about construction, parabola, producing, etc... but I ALWAYS, without fail mention something about ministry. Even to people who wouldn't care, or perhaps even know what ministry is. I always feel it neccessary to say that. So - now to the question of motive. Do I say that for some unconscious sense of importance or value - or do I say it because deep down I feel a call to ministry in a specific way and I want them to know where my heart is at? No idea. But I always say it - maybe I should try not to and see how that makes me feel.

Weird eh, that the person you think you would know the most - you're mostly ignorant of?

I do feel called to ministry - i understand everyone is in ministry - I've preached that....quit my pastoring job to be a minister out of a different vocational context, I might argue the tent making calling, I probably agree with bi-vocationalism - although it is damned hard - but I still sense this CALL. So what does one do with that exactly? Anyone....anyone....?

In other news - i lead worship this week - so much joy and fun - I have been absolutely taken over with Jason Upton's worship leading. I really love it and want to learn from it - there is such an authenticity and reality to it.

Lastly - josiah needs to shave. What the ...! I have a son that needs to shave. Man - I am old.




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